Confidently Worried

I have this beautiful son... he has a beautiful mother and an extremely handsome father.
The mother:  she's a quirky non-rule follower, BUT her downfall is that she is a worrier who suffers from a lack of confidence... in herself.  Sad, I know.
The father: as cool as cucumber in refrigerator!  Laid back and not bothered by anything.  He's a real go with the flow kind of guy, not easily moved.  Super easy going personality.  Dream guy, I know.  (he even does laundry & dishes!!)  Be jealous!

In light of the condition that this beautiful son, his beautiful mother and handsome father have to learn to handle on a daily basis, and I seriously mean 'daily' because we don't always know what son we're going to get with each new day.  So with this autistic condition, I had my expectations of what junior high would be like for him - not good!  So with the impending doom of school starting on August 26, being a 6th grader in a darn junior high, every day was like a ticking time bomb counting down the seconds to an explosion of emotions (mostly from me!), sad, I know.  But then, peace.

Here is where it began  ----->  He attended 'Bear Camp' several weeks ago (Aug 13), no parents allowed kind of deal... him and his group was paraded around the campus by a few cheerleaders who were in charge of giving him the low down on the school and where to find classes, library, gym, etc... all that good stuff that he would need to know.  In my very small minuscule mind, he was going to get lost!   There was absolutely no way that he had locked all that information in the vault of his mind and if he actually had, he'd surely forget the combination!  My Midgee and I left the school, we had almost 2 hours to kill before it was time to pick him up.  So we killed time.  Arrived back at the school 10 minutes before they were to let them go, grabbed our boy and headed out to eat food (3 very hungry folks).  He LOVED the school!  Coolest school since they came up with sliced bread!  All summer long I have been trying to talk him into letting me home-school him, let me just say - he wasn't having that.  My Midgee - he'd give his left ear to let me home-school him.  I finally quit nagging him about it and just said fine, I am giving you 6 weeks,and if you are failing, you'll be home-schooled.
So school began on Monday, August 26th.  The night before I made sure to talk to him about how his day will be and to be polite and mind other peoples space, be safe in the restroom.... blah blah blah.  Then, I had his handsome father speak to him about how his day might be, to be safe, etc.  My same lecture - but in a masculine voice O.o  I know.  Anywho, woke up the herd, got them dressed and fed, photoed and out the door.
Prayed for him on the way to school,
told him I love him
and let my little bird fly off on his own.... (hardest part of my day, hands down!)
and I said "Lord, he's yours"  (maybe this was the hardest, anyway it was hard!)

It was a very long 8 hours!!  (long!)

This is not elementary school anymore, this is the big league (for him).  I watched the clock all day, wondering what he was doing at that moment, was anyone being not so nice to him, was he listening to his teachers and all that jazz.  I could not wait to go pick him up.  He got in the truck and exclaimed that "Today was the best day of his life!"  He LOVED junior high.  Thank God.

The more I sat and looked at his pictures I took of his 1st day of junior high, the more I realized that he was growing up, he was becoming a young man.  He has a certain innocence about him and a beautiful bold confidence.  He's a lot more fearless than I give him credit for.  He did not get his confidence bone from me, I am so fearful (but I am working on it).  I am watching my son flourish into all the things that God has set out before him, into the person God has created him to be and let me tell you - it's a beautiful thing.

His beautiful mother is so very proud of her young man and she loves him to pieces.  But his beautiful mother is also happy that he belongs to a Glorious God and his heavenly Father is certainly going to look out for him.

Thank you Lord for a peace that surpasses ALL my understanding.

The Goat Man and a Momma's Boy!

A great time was had at RA (church) camp.  He got to go with his dad this year, his 1st year of camp. He got to zipline, swim, do archery, have bible study, hang with his friends and learn of the "goat man".  Apparently the goat man eats people and destroys them.  Let me tell you, it gets very VERY dark out in the woods, at night, in the dark...  Day 1 was great!  He had a ball. He didn't like the food though (picky eater).  Day 2, 9:30pm, I get this phone call from his dad explaining to me that he's been told a scary story of the goat man, yadda yadda yadda.  So I talked to my midget, he was upset and crying and freaked out.  He didn't like the goat man, he missed bubba, he missed me and he misses our pooch... beginning to sound a little more like homesickness.  He advised me that he is sleeping with his daddy in his twin size bunkbed (good grief!).  He said he was coming him the next day!  But, I knew he wouldn't :)  Day 3, text from dad that morning telling me they're staying.  Day 3, 9pm - another phone call, this time from my boy, crying inconsolably.  He's coming home tonight, like right now!!  Again, he misses me, and bubba and Pooch.  I told him to wait until morning after breakfast.  He proceeded to tell me he did NOT want breakfast, he just wanted to come straight home.  I said fine, but not til tomorrow.  I didn't want hubby driving at 10pm on a 2 hour drive home.  Again, he slept with his dad.  Next morning I got a text that said Ian had already striped his bed and packed before his dad got up.  I think he was serious.  They got home about 9:30am!!!  I got a big hug and a smile and then he carped out with my iPad for the rest of the afternoon.  I'm starting to think he didn't miss me.

He missed the iPad.

Son of uhhhh!

Today, yes today, you boys have fell off the deep end.  I do believe both of you have lost your everlovin minds.  I don't get how you boys can spoon each other when you sleep only to wake up with such hatred and aggravation for each other.  Then the next minute your sparring with each other and giggling.  Is this what some call brotherly love?   So many ugly words leave your mouths in the course of a day - freak, moron, idiot - just ugly words.  I know they could be a lot worse.  One day I hope you realize just how much that hurts me, as your mom, watching the two of you fight for no reason.

Jare - in all seriousness, what was the reason for the meltdown at the bowling alley?  It was over the bumpers being put down!  Oh my goodness!!  In that moment, all I could see was red.  I was so upset with you over that.  I always try so hard to stand up for you and explain to people that you have a 'condition' - a label of autism, but so many times it embarrasses me to see you act out in a negative manner.  There are so many times where I don't know what to say at all.  I know you are not mean or malicious or that careless.  I finally bowled your game and when it was all over you decided to bowl your next game after you cooled off.  I am so worried about junior high in 2 months, the thought of it makes me sick.  

And my Midgee - good grief!  You play the good boy card A LOT, especially when bubba is in trouble.  Today, after I get Jare straightened out, you were all good, until we got into the truck and was trying to figure out where to eat.  Then you started in about how stupid everything is.  I'm very well aware that there is nothing I can do to appease both of you at the same time because the two of you can't agree on anything.  One day I pray you learn that being a parent is not easy, children don't come with an instruction manual. And you can't give them every single thing they want.  But I pray that I, as your parent, teach you respect and consideration for others.

Maybe y'all haven't 'fallen off the deep end' but today seemed to be the icing on the cake of a long week for me.  All I want is the best for y'all and I try to do the best I can.  One day I hope you boys will realize that.

I love you with all my heart,
Mom

5 zeros equal a BIG FAT ZERO!

The current grade of my Jare..... All zeros.  I guess he's allergic homework & classwork alike.  I just knew they were calling me to come in and chat because they were going try to convince me to begin meds again....  (NOT happening by the way!).... Not that they are allowed to do that "by law".  It's the simple phrases "focus, won't stay on task, daydreaming, etc", all phrases that are thrown around to hint at the idea that meds are a better idea!   To break me, so to speak, into giving in to the 6 year long running "focus" issues.   BUT, they didn't.  I was good with the meeting we had yesterday.  He is afraid to ask for help, I think he just doesn't know "how" to ask for help.  It puzzles me because he talks all the time at home and he certainly asks me for help.  His behavior is so different at school and at home.   We all know how smart he is, every one of us in that room KNOW.  He thinks he just can't do anything right.  I feel bad for his self-esteem and confidence.  He needs positive reinforcement.
His teachers were kind enough to be lenient and allow him to do some of his assignments at home.  We assisted him on a minimal level, in hopes that he would try to do the work himself.  He did good for the most part.  Thank God we were able to do some of his work.  Finished it all up in one night as well.  Praying for healing of my little guys mind and intellect.  Praying he finds his confidence and strength in The Lord.

Peace, Love and Zeros!

God & Red40

This evening we took the boys to dinner at Cheddars.  We got into this discussion about God and how He's been speaking to my son.  He said God told him today to share his Reese's pieces that he got from the treasure box with his friends, so he did, with 2 little girls who are always mean to him.  He said he asked them if they knew why he shared with them, they said no, he told them that God told him to, they said "okay."  I am proud that he is not scared to share his faith at such a young age.
I also hate that he sometimes gets a bad wrap at school.  He's been complaining that he wants to be homeschooled and that the kids are mean to him.  I don't like that he is struggling so much.  He's so smart!  They keep telling me that he can't seem to focus, and I've heard this same song and dance so many times with regards to my oldest son.  Apparently it was bad enough that it was referred to a "social worker" who called me today to inform me that she's heard about him having behavioral issues and wondered if we needed assistance.  I kindly declined and explained that all is well and he's 9 and is expressing his independence.  He's a good kid and he's smart.  And I already have an autistic child, so I know what to look for.  I guess she heard enough, she told me that she didn't need to talk to me anymore, and that it sounded like I had had everything under control and she didn't understand why he was referred.  So glad someone finally understood me!

My #1 child is completely out of control right now.  He came home heavily loaded down with attitude.  He got upset that someone in his class was trying to help him glue stuff and he "didn't want any help, because I can do it myself!"  Wow.  He's not normally that passionate about doing stuff for himself.  He's been so off the chain lately.  I'm going to have to start closely watching what he gets to eat, again.  Hopefully I can get to the bottom of what's going on.

God please take care of my boys and guide me and my hubby in raising them.

Lawnmower Hugs and Crayon Dreams

I don't know what has gotten into you these days.  Everything I say, you have a negative and sarcastic rebuttal for.  You certainly don't 'sound' like a 9 year old!  I don't know what to do to straighten you out.  Lord, help me survive this kids childhood.  Apparently your teacher took away 5 days of recess because you were a chatterbox at school yesterday and you can home complaining that everyone in your class hates you and that you want to be homeschooled.....hmmm.
The one cute thing you did this week was come home with a new piece of art - a picture of our puppy Bosco.  It was very good!  Equaling the highlight of my week :) I'm not sure if that's really really sad or a good thing.

And you my Jare, goodness.  Your teachers just discovered (last Friday) that you've been off meds since December.  Funny they didn't notice sooner!  I guess the meds weren't working as well as we thought.  Took them 3 months to figure it out.  So glad I made the decision to take you off.  Thank God for His confirmation that I am doing the right thing!  I hated you having to take meds and poison your body.  So we are going to handle your autism head on, day by day, drug-free.  I'm happy about that!
Sunday night you hugged the lawnmower goodbye as Uncle Cecil was loading into his truck to borrow.  Dont worry, your 'linemower' will be back soon, son.  Today you brought me a new piece of art as well.... A picture you drew of the brown truck, the red truck and the blue truck! I think you like our trucks.

I love you my dirty nerdys <3

Addicted to Doh!

Doughnuts, Do-nuts, donuts - they're all the same, a baked treat covered in an array of sugary confessions bursting with colors via fillings or sprinkles.

My boys = addicted.  There's NOTHING better on the planet than warm dough rolled in a sweet explosion of refined sugar to make your taste buds do the happy dance!   This addiction to donuts (Shipley's, or chocolate covered or powdered donuts) makes for tighter fitting jeans and a wallop to my checkbook!  Growing kids are a great thing.... but NOT like this!

Jaws of His Life

After listening to the  Cha Cha Slide on YouTube, I watched as my son intently turned on his MOST favorite song..... The Jaws Theme song.  As I watched him, he closed his eyes as though listening was a meditation, he was "all in".  It was the funniest thing.  Jaws has been his life's "theme song" for over a year.  My shark obsessed 9 year old loves Jaws!   Aside from Superman or Tornados - Jaws IS the bees knees!

Heartwarming, make that "rug warming"...

Nothing warms a mothers heart more than hearing a loving and wonderful conversation between the two dirty nerdys she loves:
As I stood outside the bathroom door last night to make sure they were showering and getting ready for bed, I overheard some conversation.  I realized one child had gotten out of the shower and was done, while the other had never even gotten in the shower.  My favorite part of being a mom is how they do exactly what you tell them the very first time you tell them to do something, oh wait!!! That only happens in a perfect world :) Anyway, of this conversation that was so sweet at some point I'm sure, I hear "why did you pee on the rug?!"  Instantly I went into fight mode..... What?!?! (Please tell me that my boys are not the only ones who do things like this).  As I begin to question the one accused of peeing on the rug, the one being accused points out the fact that the accuser has also pee'd on the rug - so apparently they were peeing together.  Nice.
If you're like me, then you too got excited that this incident equaled one more thing you got to clean up that day, oh yay.  Punishment quickly ensued and was laid out.  500 sentences each and the were grounded until I got the 500 sentences in my hand, and since this is a 4 day weekend for them, I thought they'd hasten to get it done fast.  I sent them to bed at 8pm.  I guess they got in there and discussed it and about 20 minutes later emerged with heartfelt apologies..... I still want my sentences. I just lessened the punishment to 250 instead of 500 and still grounded until I get all of them in my hand.  Trying to demonstrate a "little" grace, yet maintain my tough exterior.

I'm a softy.

A Mommy's Dedication

This blog is dedicated to my 2 amazing boys - "my dirty nerdys!"   May my memories become your memories and may they follow you for the rest of your days.  All my love.

I love you boys forever and always,
Mom (your snuggle buddy)